Longing and Wishing {Samantha 1/10}

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I’ve never been in love. Or, rather, I love people from a distance and treat them like I couldn’t care less. Why do I keep pushing away the boys that like me? I still feel bad for what I did in 1st grade… Poor Ian, he left me a sweet note with red plastic heart-shaped earrings, asking me to wear them. I liked him a lot, but my pride dare not admit it. I told my girlfriends, we laughed and then I nonchalantly mentioned that I threw the earrings away. How brave of him to do that, and there was me shattering his heart to pieces… I wish there was a way to apologize to him now. If only he knew that I kept the earrings for years after that, pulling them out of my keepsake box and wondering what would have happened had I put them on the very next day he had given them to me… Is it fear? Do I feel safe if the object of my desire is just in my imagination? Then there was Billy, who made it clear that he liked me, and I made it even clearer that I didn’t when I actually did… And Jeff, and Stan… and then no boy dared approach me after that… I successfully graduated grade school as the teacher’s pet and with no trace of a boyfriend. A trend continuing in high school…  Maybe it’s nicer to sit on the balcony imagining things than actually living them and getting disappointed by reality? I read too many books…

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At my grandma’s for a month. There’s nothing to do here. Reading “Les Miserables” for school. I look at at starts every night, always longing and wishing for something I don’t know… My dad remarked that I should learn how to cook, so I can find a husband. Without thinking twice, I retorted that I will find a husband who cooks for me. He was not very happy about that. I don’t want to cook, besides grandma likes to make things for me. The tomatoes from her garden are so good! I can eat just that and fresh bread all summer. Do I even want to get married? I never dream of a wedding. Only for a while I did, but then I realized it is not my dream. I dream of true love. I wish I could dance or sing. I hate singing in music class, I think I sound so bad. I mostly just open my mouth and hope nobody would notice. My mom told me I was out of tune when I was little and maybe that did it

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