Love and Freedom {Samantha 9/10}

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Valentine’s Day is coming up and I feel most weird… I love him so much, yet this is happening too fast for me and I don’t even know if I want to be in it. If only it could stay the same and not develop further. We kiss a little less, I feel like I need more time on my own. It was like an explosion and now I am slowly pulling away… I am so complicated. Sometimes I wish I could be like most other people and I did not think that much about everything. Yet I do… It’s been a month and this is getting too real… and involved… and time-consuming… He is so sweet and gentle and kind… we get along so well. Why this resistance in me? I guess I will wait and see. I am doing great in school, they call me “The Golden Girl.” I have such high morals. Maybe too high. Do I live out of touch with reality? I must, because reality is always boring to me. I try to force myself to like doing what other people do… it never feels satisfactory somehow

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It’s all so strange and fast and confusing… how can I love him so much and then all of a sudden be repelled by his touch? I need my freedom back… It feels suffocating not because of anything he does, but of who I am. Who am I? Strange, that’s for sure. Why can’t I continue to love him back and just be happy? I try, but the feeling inside me is so strong. It tells me to pull away, it’s getting too serious, it’s not for me right now, better listen before it gets worse. Suppressing it makes it come back louder. I act the same, I still think this might pass. Yet, I feel how our conversations are shorter and our kisses more hurried. Maybe I am not meant for relationships. I’ve always been so independent. My grandma never fails to bring it up, how rarely I asked for help and how I always had it together as a kid. I am very much like that still. Mulling everything over in my head, what should I do? Just give it some more time? Math test tomorrow, I love algebra. It’s so exact

lastly…