Sadness

Sandra has all that most people want, yet there are times when her soul yearns for something more that words cannot describe…


Sometimes a giant wave of sadness overcomes me… I don’t quite know how to make sense of it, let alone explain it. It usually happens after we have been to a party/surrounded by a lot of people… My soul is yearning to connect, yet all interactions and conversations are superficial in a way. I smile, make jokes, laugh at other people’s clever comments, I act the way I am supposed to act. Yet none of that truly touches me. We finally leave and I feel so alone, even though Hugh is beside me in the car. He asks me if there is anything wrong, and I reply “It’s fine, I am just tired.” Then I look out of the window in silence, holding back my tears. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I enjoy myself like other people do? How come I always crave something more, that seems to be so elusive and out of reach? There are so many women who dream to have a husband and a life like mine. Yet I sense as if I am supposed to be somewhere else. Where, though? I don’t know… Is there a person that could ever understand me, even if I don’t quite understand myself? Before we make it back home, I try to secretly wipe the tears that involuntarily roll down my cheeks. I don’t want Hugh to see the sadness, I don’t want him to worry. He works so hard and constantly tries to make everything better. I wait for him to fall asleep and if I still feel like crying I quietly get up and go to the spare bedroom to silently sob. I miss something and I don’t even know what…