Slippery Slope

Is this why this whole thing is happening to me? So I can be in the shoes of people who have affairs and find out what their motivations are? I’ve always judged them so harshly, not being able to understand why would anyone cheat on their partner. Now I realize that there are so many factors going into play, and no one is immune to it. Even a highly moral and exceptionally nice person like me, haha. Is this my dark side coming out?  All it wants is to be loved and seen. I guess I have to figure out a better way to deal with my confusing emotions, since I cannot share them with anyone. It would be so nice if Steve could just hold me sometimes without his mind running away in 1000 directions and feeling like he needs to always rush somewhere. Writing it all out helps for sure – it just needs to move, to be poured out. If I keep it all inside it will suffocate or drown me. As if meeting James opened Pandora’s box of all of my suppressed feelings and emotions I had not allowed myself to feel for quite some time, stuffing them there in hopes they would go away. So much of that has to do with my sexuality. Guilt, shame, desire, fantasies, passion, possession, devotion, sweet torture, complete surrender. Do other women feel that way? Is this why they read romantic novels? Because they are not allowed to fully express their sexuality in a healthy way in their relationships? How different real life turns out to be. We assume the role men want us to play and we do not allow our natural essence to come to the surface. Steve is a lot more concerned about his pleasure than mine when we make love. I don’t mind it, because it gives me joy to see him satisfied, yet sometimes I wish I could be more fully loved. My body craves to be caressed, to be opened slowly and gently, to be allowed to take its time to feel and enjoy, to release everything it has been holding in the space of love and presence. Will that ever be possible in my marriage? The prospects look rather grim – making love is not Steve’s top priority.