If I Lay Here

Sophia questions the predictable nature of her reality and ponders what making love to Dylan would be like…

He texted me: “Are you going to lie with me?” Why would he ask me such a thing when he clearly knows that I am engaged? This man is brazen… and I am drawn to him even more for that. The truth is that I am not upset with his question but with the instinctual answer that is coming out of me… “Yes, I’d love to lie next to you and simply feel you.” We agreed it is a bad idea, yet we can’t help this strange attraction that brings us together like magnets. I tried to figure out what it is about him that draws me in so much… he is free. I miss that. As if in the past couple of years I have created my own trap of obligations, shoulds, musts, and have to-s, the job, the man, the wedding on the way. All of a sudden my life has turned into a predictable spectacle for everyone else’s delight but my own. Like posting pictures on social media… we dress up and go to the party just so we can take the photo, share it and hope for the likes. Is everything we do nowadays for show and where is the substance? By the time we get back home from a night out we are too tired to enjoy anything else but watch a show and go to bed. Making love has turned into a series of mechanical motions – we know what brings the other pleasure/gives us quick gratification and we proceed to reach the end. Have I been living in a reality shaped by outside rules and media images?