Differently, But Always {Samantha 10/10}

Samantha does what she needs to do and tells the truth about how she feels. She does not meant to do it, it just comes out of her. It was short, but so sweet. No regrets, she resolves to be single and not break anymore hearts.

3 days to Valentine’s Day. I need to get him a gift. It’s not getting better. Nothing has changed – he is sweet, loving and kind. Yet, all of a sudden I cannot reciprocate. Discussing potential future plans together makes me freeze up. Why? I am such a weird person. Today I shared with my best friend a little bit of how I feel. It came to her as a surprise, she thinks that I should just ignore it. But I cannot. I want to be close to him, yet at the same time something is pulling me away. I wish I could go back to the beginning and feel like I did. Is it a fear of the next step? Sharing with my parents? Taking it further and seeing where it goes? Or maybe I need the time to focus on my own growth and be a hermit again? I wish an answer would magically appear for me. How beautiful and tragic relating to another can be

Love and Freedom {Samantha 9/10}

Samantha is processing her feelings. Ordinary life bores her and she cannot succumb to the familiar groove most people follow. Her relationship with Anton is confusing her – she loves him, yet loves her freedom more…

I think I know what it is… I am so desperately trying to fit in, when I am not meant to… But if I am truly myself, I will not be able to connect with anyone. What most people are after does not interest me at all. I am fully myself when I am on my own. Parts of me come out that otherwise hardly ever surface. Although my friends sometimes sense them and accept them… The more I get to know him I can see that we are very similar, yet different. He is so much more outgoing than I am. Traditional life scares me. Why is it so hard to be yourself? Maybe because everybody else expects you to be some other way… Maybe this is what I run from… the expectation for my life to unfold in a certain way. University, career, husband, house, outings with other couples, children, birthday parties, going out with other moms who nag about their husbands, holidays, retirement, grandchildren and then you die. What is the fun of living if you already have a plan you need to follow? Not for me, the thought suffocates me… Why can’t I be normal? Yet, I appear as the most normal person on the outside. Oxymoron

Madly in Love… {Samantha 8/10}

Samantha is enjoying the most amazing kissing relationship with Anton. She’s head over heels in love, they look adorable together. Yet, imagining the future, she wants to pull out of all this.

I’m not going to tell my parents. They always ask questions. I don’t like to be questioned. Whatever this is, it’s mine. Back to school, every chance we get we are kissing. I caught one of our friends staring at us, and he asked how did we manage to never hit our teeth. We just looked at him bewildered, and laughed. We just don’t, it’s almost like we have been made for this. Our mouths fit so well, our lips meet and part, our tongues dance and wiggle and caress. Perfect synchrony. I’ve always known that kissing is supposed to feel like this. When we are apart, I think about him a lot. We talk on the phone for hours. We go out and kiss almost the whole time. I can’t focus on my homework, he is on my mind. Is love madness? It makes me feel alive

It’s In His Kiss… {Samantha 7/10}

Samantha dares to say yes to love. Her first kiss with Anton turns out to be a magical beginning of a passionate romance. She enters a new world, the unfamiliar ground of sensuality and sexuality

Wow… this is amazing… I can’t stop smiling… I was so nervous climbing the steps to his apartment… I rang the doorbell and he opened the door. He was nervous too, kind of awkward, but cute. He led me in, there was a note on his computer he wanted me to read … It was about his feelings and how he wanted to be friends but at the same time he liked me so much… about my eyes, and hair and how beautiful I was… and it ended with “I Love You, Samantha”… I turned to him to say something and he kissed me…!! And I almost fell off the chair… It was funny, and new, and strange and really good… His lips on mine, and then his tongue in my mouth… I froze a little, not sure what to do… but he was so patient and gentle with me and our tongues were touching… eyes closed, his hands around me… I still can’t believe I did that! So glad I brushed my teeth. I guess I am his girlfriend now, whatever that means… I love him! When I left his place, it felt like I was floating in space… It’s all so new… I want to keep kissing him

To Go Or Not? {Samantha 6/10}

Samantha thinks she is too ordinary for Anton to have a crush on her, yet they seem to be drawn to each other a lot. She ponders whether to let herself go or not, live differently or stay the same. Doubting the credibility of history books, sinking into the dreariness of winter, and getting excited about her first potential date… if she says “yes.”

Maybe part of me does not to believe that from all the other girls at school he likes me… I am so plain, and straightlaced and boring… I don’t wear makeup, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I don’t really go out that much… I don’t have very many interesting things to say and I stay away from drama stories… I am quiet and contained… Yet, I have so much passion inside… The nights are getting colder, my evening time on the balcony is almost over. I love walking to school in the morning and seeing the leaves of the trees turn color. I guess if I want something to be different, I need to do something that is different… instead of running away from everybody that likes me… Part of me wants to have a boyfriend and part of me is terrified by the idea… Should I let go of control? The respiratory systems is so amazing! We, humans, are walking miracles. Biology test tomorrow… not looking forward to it. I am so much better at math.

Yes and No {Samantha 5/10}

Samantha reminisces about how deep her soul is, the longing that she feels, and the strong pull towards Anton. Apparently he feels the same, bit neither of them is willing to cross the friendship line just yet. Will attraction prevail? The mysteries of love…

“Still waters are the most dangerous.” Like an iceberg, the tip only visible, so much more to me to uncover. Most people don’t care to see. They only skate on the surface, talk but don’t listen. Why am I so deep? I can be shallow, but I so don’t want to… Are other people very deep as well, and do they hide it like me? Out on the balcony, looking at the stars again. Like I am waiting for something to happen, for my real life to begin… I get a feel for it, but I cannot put it into words yet… Do we get one big Love in life? I dream of love

New Passion {Samantha 4/10}

Samantha is entertaining the idea of the new boy at school. She think she might be too boring for him, but his personality intrigues her. She has read a lot, but does not dare live the life of her imagination yet. Something in her attracts men intensely, yet the same thing she fears might be the demise of them… To follow desire or not?

We like each other… there is something… the new boy and I. Anton. He has very kind deep smiling eyes… and a particular spark I have in mine… That would not be wise, though. It’s better if we are just friends. I do get slightly nervous around him, in a good way. He is interesting, maybe that’s it. Different from everybody else I know. I like different. Probably because he has grown up somewhere else. I am really boring – I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t use curse words, I don’t like to go out that much… Most of the time I would rather stay at home and read. I used to spend so much time at the library. First I read all the children’s books. Then I moved on to adventure novels, about cowboys and Indians, travel, foreign lands and brave hearts. Next were mysteries – Agatha Christie and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I’ve always thought I’d make a great detective. Maybe I just need to be a little more observant. Then it was a little bit of everything   – classics, contemporary novels, and even some Harlequin romances. Now I’ve been done with fiction for a while and I have been enjoying books on nutrition and psychology. The way people think is so fascinating… I love how two people can experience the exact same thing but tell it in completely different ways. Is seeing things objectively even possible?

Deep and Particular {Samantha 3/10}

Samantha dreams of her rebel prince and continues to live deep down inside her imagination. She turns to books for inspiration and in hopes to find who she is and a world that resembles her own. She explores different possibilities in her mind of how her life can turn out to be, but none satisfy her. High school starts again and so does the life of routine and pretend. Luckily, she has great friends.

The life that I have is so quiet on the surface and so deep on the inside… I never talk about the latter, it’s just for me. But this is where I truly live. In the folds and facets of my imagination, where there is love, and passion, and work that is going to change the world. A connection to something so strong… My pince is more like a rebel. It’s funny, because everybody thinks I am such a good girl. I know it’s the role I am supposed to play right now. Yet, eventually, other parts of me are going to come out. There is so much emotion that has no outlet. Everything is so ordinary… that’s why I read so much. In hopes to understand who am I and what I want by familiarizing myself with imaginary worlds depicted in words. I don’t understand dating someone. I guess it is a way of getting to know them. How can you get to know another if you do not know yourself yet? Can you ever know another, especially if they don’t know themselves yet? Maybe the reason I don’t want to have a boyfriend is because I would rather date myself at this point… there is so much of me to uncover and dream into being

Daydreaming Thinking of Love {Samantha 2/10}

Samantha is spending the summer at her grandma’s, exploring existential questions as who is she and the meaning of life. She cherishes her aloneness, lovers the character old worn things have, does not understand cemeteries at all, and is a hopeless believer in true love…

I like my own world best. When I am alone, by myself. Everything is possible then. In my daydreams. I am not dreaming at all of the life my parents have. Not that they have a bad life, they are wonderful people and have jobs that they love. I just don’t see myself like that. Sometimes it feels like I just need to push through high school and then my real life is going to begin. Do I stop myself from living now? Or does the environment stop me? Maybe I should be a philosopher? Maybe I am a philosopher. My cousin is coming over and we are going to go and get ice cream. The only entertainment around here. There aren’t any other kids my age in the neighborhood. Besides, I like being by myself. I let very few people close to me, and even when I do, they only see fractions of who I am. Who am I?

Longing and Wishing {Samantha 1/10}

Meet Samantha. Her summer nights are spent sitting on the balcony ledge, dreaming of something far away and elusive. She pushes the boys that like her away, fascinated by living in her imagination. Never dreams of a wedding, but longs for true love.

What is it that keeps me up at night? The heat? Sitting on the balcony ledge, feeling the cool breeze caress my skin, I know it’s something else… elusive… empty… enchanting… ephemeral… Maybe the night sky has my answer…? Or maybe I am not yet to know? It’s a pull of some kind… Mysterious and mine. I should go in and try to fall asleep. Something deep inside me longs to be expressed but cannot find its way out… Restless