Higher

When two people in a relationship are moving at a different pace and one of them has learned all their lessons…

I feel that deep down inside Hugh is afraid to be fully seen because he thinks he is unlovable as he is. He is terrified to look at his wounded inner child and when I get closer he puts the guard high up and acts out. It’s exhausting to spend so much effort to love someone. I’ve known him for so long, I see his pain, but he pretends that it does not exist and he hides behind work, staying busy, saving others and drinking. All I want is to be close and hold his hand. All I end up doing is patching up surface scratches and never being allowed to address the deeper hurt.

The End vs The Journey

Sandra examines their intimate life and realizes that it resembles their traveling styles… which happen to not match…

We are so misaligned when it comes to sex. What is it like for other people? Why is it such a taboo topic? I never feel comfortable talking about my intimate life with others. It seems like there was a time when we fit a little better, but now we are even more disconnected. We don’t discuss it, it just happens when it happens and never lasts very long. He just wiggles between my thighs when we go to bed after a few caresses, or there is the occasional quickie in the middle of the day. Sometimes I feel like being made love to, but he is too tired. Other times I just feel like being snuggled, but his back hurts and he needs to turn the other way. Is he not attracted to me anymore? Or is there another woman? Anything is possible. Maybe we just have different sex drives. I don’t even know if I have ever truly experienced an orgasm with him. And that’s sad. Really sad.

Love and Marriage

“Instead of being close together in the flame of love, burning with passion and desire for life, we have become mere embers alienated from each other and turning cold, placated by the comforts of mere existing within the artificial web of the matrix.”

I never wanted to get married. However, it was the logical thing to do. We were in love, he wanted to stay with me, his visa was going to expire again sooner or later, so I suggested we sign the papers (because that’s all it is, just some papers) and in this way he could apply for citizenship. I told him that I didn’t believe in the concept of marriage and that I wanted to be with him because I loved him, and not because a legal documents obliged me so. He agreed. I added that if anything was ever to change – he fell in love with another woman, he stopped loving me for some reason, or whatever it might be – to simply get together and discuss it, and that I would let him go without asking for anything in return. To me love was equal to freedom, and honesty mattered the most.

Craving Change

Sandra is having a hard time comprehending the world and her place in it. She realizes she desperately needs to do something about her marriage, before it all falls apart…

This world of money, greed, competition and acquisition is so alien to me. I don’t understand why should women be jealous of one another and constantly compare themselves. Men too for that matter. We are all unique human beings here to share our gifts and enhance the beauty of the world around us. Why is everybody trying to be like somebody else, adhering to artificially imposed standards of beauty? Some women have such low self worth that they will not allow others to see them without makeup – this is so bizarre to me. However, in most situations I am the alien because nobody else seems to see what I see and question what people do.

Life and Self Care

Sandra enjoys a peaceful day on her own doing what she loves and sums up her life experiences with Hugh in a paragraph…

Today he gets up early and leaves. He will not be back until later this evening. I snuggle with the cats in bed, I get up, get dressed and go to yoga. It relaxes me so, I always feel so happy after that. I set an intention to love myself. I breathe. I move and stretch. My body likes that. After class my friend Elsie and I go for a walk. We talk about standing in your own way and expanding beyond the limits we put on ourselves. Sometimes we unconsciously sabotage our growth. I know I do, procrastinating projects and doubting myself, constantly unsure if I am good enough. Yet, sometimes the desire for something to emerge through me is so strong, that I am left with no options but to jump straight into it. Terrifying at first, but so gratifying later.

Breaking Up to Come Together

Sandra realizes that from being focused on Hugh all the time, she has somewhat lost her identity in the process. She goes back in the past, recalling how their early break up…

Trying to remember who I was and to figure out who am I now. It seems that most of the time my focus is constantly on him, the things he does or does not do. So much so, that I forget about me. Trying to control others is futile. I should know by now that it does not work. Reaching within for my own peace of mind. Who was I when we met?

Social Games

Sandra does all she can to make Hugh happy and bring joy into their lives, yet the charade of it all does not fail to elude her…

Sometimes I think he likes every other woman more than me and we have no connection whatsoever. What makes us stay together? The house, cats, common friends? I love him, but does he love me? Lately he’s been so busy with work and helping friends, When I make breakfast in the morning, it always goes cold, because he is non-stop on the phone. If I suggest that he takes a break and we do something together, he gets angry at me for not realizing how many things he has to do. I’ve tried offering assistance so many times, yet somehow in his mind I am never capable of accomplishing what he can. I wish he could see that he does not need to struggle that much… if only he would listen to me and lets me help it will save him so much time and effort. Instead he gets engulfed in the demands of other people, acts nice and agreeable, suppresses his anger and irritation and then comes home to drown it in a succession of drinks. If I say something about that, he takes it all on me. When did our relationship turn into this? It’s hard to remember the last time we had a slow, uninterrupted, romantic dinner together and shared openly about ourselves. Instead, we rush through the meal, because there are more emails to respond to, an event to attend, or provide urgent assistance to some family member or friend. Routine, routine, routine with no spontaneity whatsoever. Is it selfish of me to want some undivided attention? Sometimes when we argue he yells that I am terribly selfish. I try so hard not to be, I don’t even know what more can I do to serve him? He won’t even say what he likes. I need to keep trying, there has to be something else I can come up with to make him feel better/less stressed.

Sadness

Sandra has all that most people want, yet there are times when her soul yearns for something more that words cannot describe…


Sometimes a giant wave of sadness overcomes me… I don’t quite know how to make sense of it, let alone explain it. It usually happens after we have been to a party/surrounded by a lot of people… My soul is yearning to connect, yet all interactions and conversations are superficial in a way. I smile, make jokes, laugh at other people’s clever comments, I act the way I am supposed to act. Yet none of that truly touches me. We finally leave and I feel so alone, even though Hugh is beside me in the car. He asks me if there is anything wrong, and I reply “It’s fine, I am just tired.” Then I look out of the window in silence, holding back my tears. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I enjoy myself like other people do? How come I always crave something more, that seems to be so elusive and out of reach? There are so many women who dream to have a husband and a life like mine. Yet I sense as if I am supposed to be somewhere else. Where, though? I don’t know… Is there a person that could ever understand me, even if I don’t quite understand myself? Before we make it back home, I try to secretly wipe the tears that involuntarily roll down my cheeks. I don’t want Hugh to see the sadness, I don’t want him to worry. He works so hard and constantly tries to make everything better. I wait for him to fall asleep and if I still feel like crying I quietly get up and go to the spare bedroom to silently sob. I miss something and I don’t even know what…

Falling

Sandra reminisces on how she got together with Hugh and what attracted her to him, hoping to recall these qualities and focus on them…

So many emotions inside of me. Constant searching, perpetual motion. Re-discovering myself over and over again. Re-focusing. Trying to remember the way we were when we fell in love. I met him through a mutual friend. He was a foreigner, on a long-term assignment in my country, and I found him different and interesting. Before you know it I was his unofficial interpreter. I accompanied him at meetings, we went out for coffee together. His world was so vastly different than mine and it fascinated me. He had had it all and lost it – a successful company, expensive cars, huge houses, big parties with fake friends, a business partner that lied, stole and caused the company to go bankrupt. Left with nothing, he picked himself back up, realizing the pointlessness of the acquisition of shiny material objects and wishing to live a simpler existence. He had traveled a lot, and had seen and experienced so much more than I had. He was very kind, caring, a good listener, always making jokes, never imposing on me, a great gentleman. He opened the door for me everywhere we went and always insisted on paying the bill. I was not used to such attention, it was all very new.

Dissatisfaction

Sandra reflects on her relationship with her husband, which seems to be drifting further from her ideal…

I need to act from the center of Love. Forgive. Take care. Be kind/caring. Don’t think negatively. Accept – the good and the bad. Happiness is inside of me. The more I know who am and what I want, the less other people and things upset me. 

What I want is a relationship between two equals – freedom, understanding, harmony, love, sharing. Books, creativity, intellect, spirituality, theatre, music, psychology, philosophy, sensuality, transcending into a different dimension. Presence. Here and Now.