Never Forced, Always Desired

Sara finishes her trip on a high note and returns home transformed…

Two more nights until I go back home. This trip has been so much fun, and so enriching for me. Plenty of time to just be and reflect on who I am. Exploring the inner and the outer, meeting interesting people, expanding my horizons. Life is truly what we make it, we all have such different dreams and talents. 

The Unknown

The novel environment gives Sara a chance to be with herself, perfectly mimicking her newly found inner expansion…

I am staying in a house with so many other young people, it’s interesting to mingle in the kitchen and make new friends. There is a guy from Bolivia, who asked me to go salsa dancing with him. The me before would have been super shy and afraid and would have said no, but instead I decided to go for it and boldly said yes. Strangely enough, I am so immersed into this new country, language and experience that I am not thinking of Damian as much. My horizons have expanded, he opened me up to a new universe within me that I am hungry to explore. Not that I want to sleep with everyone I meet, but getting to know my sexual self is making me feel more at ease in every situation. 

A Change Is Gonna Come

Sara sees Damian in a different light… Is what brought them together dissipating? Were they supposed to meet, share and then part? Or could her feeling be wrong?

We are drifting away. The last time I saw him things were kind of off. It was during the day –  he called, I was already out and I headed his way. While in the beginning I was eagerly anticipating his messages and attention, lately I’ve grown so much more confident in my own skin. Like I’ve been moving from a novice, to apprentice, to a pro. In what? Being my true self, I guess. His voice still gave me chills and made me wet, though. Enroute to his place I stopped at a lingerie shop and got myself a new pair of lacy black underwear. There was a strange feeling of excitement that gave a bounce to my step knowing I was going to a fuck date. I’ve come to accept the whole thing as my sexual initiation that I owe no explanation to anyone about. We entered into it with respect as two consenting adults, keeping it open and not binding it to empty promises. Naturally, we both had feelings for each other, but we did not let that distract us from the nature of our contract. Namely, fuck friends who meet when convenient for both and share pleasure, exploring each other’s naked bodies. Obsessively thinking about the morality or future of it only made what was supposed to be simple, complicated. 

We Ride

When it comes to following her gut, Sara does not hesitate. Even if it means going to a biker’s gathering and feeling totally out of her element… all for desire… we learn though experience

Nuttitude confirmed. He called me on the spur of the moment and asked me to go to a bikers’ gathering with him. It’s someplace two and a half hours away from the city. He is already there, so I would have to find a way to teleport myself. It’s a group of people crazy about motorcycles, camping, drinking and doing I don’t know what else. And I said yes… hahahaha (this is sarcastic laugh). For some reason this man manages to effortlessly pull me out of my comfort zone and introduce me to a plethora of new experiences. I guess I need this. Coincidentally, Lilly’s brother is going to the same bikers’ gathering and he offered to take me with him on his motorcycle. I am still not quite sure what I am getting myself into, but I arranged a time with him to pick me up and packed on overnight bag. When Damian heard about the plan, he was slightly taken aback. I think I constantly astound him, for I expand beyond myself. He asked if I would be ok riding on a motorcycle for so many hours on the highway, and I told him I was willing to give it a try. The “me” that does these things is so different than my regular me, but she takes charge. It’s not my brain, but my gut instinct that calls the shots.

When Snowflakes Fall

Is this love that Sara is feeling? Things with Damian are getting romantic, yet the boundaries are still in place… enjoying the freedom and the lack of definition…

Well, well, well… I think Damian is getting fonder of me… or maybe it’s just a delusion I’ve created in my head. I think I love him… but in a very freeing, non-demanding way. I actually know that I do. Last evening he came to pick me up in his car and asked me if I wanted to go with him to a party some friends of his were throwing. Not knowing what to expect, I said yes. It was snowing and everything was so beautiful. We are getting more comfortable with each other and familiar in a way. I enjoyed the ride with him, chatting and sharing. I feel like he’s showing me a side of him not many get to see – he is sweet and caring, behind all that playboy womanizer facade.

Alter Ego

Sara is getting more and more comfortable with the self emerging out of her when with Damian…

He calls. I am free. I go. His place. A friend of his is there. We chat, I am a different me. Who knows what his friend thinks… Damian and I kiss. I sit on his lap and tell them about what I did last night. I went out dancing with some girlfriends and there was this smug-looking guy in the club that peaked my interest. He was full of himself and acting like it. Naturally, I felt like I wanted to play with him, I love a challenge. I started glancing in his direction while moving my body in a sensual way to the rhythm of the music. It did not take long until he noticed me. Our eyes met and communicated. Next thing you know, he was dancing with me, our bodies surprisingly comfortable in close proximity. We both were exuding a similar vibe, so at that moment we were energetically aligned. It was beautiful, the harmony between us, the unspoken attraction, the success of my seduction. I knew it was going to work, somehow I was very confident about it. And it did. We did not talk, we just danced. At one point all eyes were on us, our synchronized moves almost felt like foreplay on the dancefloor. His hands on my hips, swaying and grinding and twirling and pulling me closer. He was a good dancing partner for sure. When I was getting ready to leave he asked me for my number. I knew this could not be repeated, it was perfect for this moment but it had no future. I did not even hesitate and I made up a set of digits. He looked at me mesmerized, I kissed him swiftly on the lips and slipped away from his slow dance embrace. It was way past Cinderella hour and my voice was starting to disappear from the cigarette smoke in the club. 

Nobody Else Has To Know

Diving deeper into her own version of life, Sara contemplates on the vastness of destinies out there and how we are all the same on the inside…

Lilly and I were both looking at our phones tonight, then we stared at each other and laughed. No words needed. We both don’t quite know what we are doing, I jokingly told her she got me into this. She is seeing the other guy on the side and her boyfriend, who lives in another town, has no clue about it. I am not judging – after all, I am sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend. She told me that Damian is notorious about that and his girlfriend apparently is ok with it as long as he does not flaunt it. That made me feel a little better, yet the confusion remains why I am doing this. The strong pull I feel seems not to be a good enough reason. I literally cannot stop thinking about him. Maybe I watch too many movies and I am attracted to the danger/uncertainty element. He calls, we talk, I giggle, he says so many inappropriate things, my underwear gets wet just listening to him. Maybe we will meet this week. I am conflicted about it, fascinated as well. How a couple of hours can completely change one’s life… Everything is a choice. Is this the wrong path? But it feels good. Strangely enough I did manifest my version of “9 ½ weeks”… Now I just need to let it unfold on its own, like everything else. It’s the illusion of control that messes our lives up. Also our rigid ideas of right and wrong. So many things are both at the same time, depending on the perspective. Like touching one’s body… religion has placed so much dogma on it. Skin to skin contact is important – if babies don’t get it, they die! Hugs feel good, kisses even better, especially French ones with a person you love. Damian is not the best kisser, but the nature of our relationship, if I can call it that, is different. It’s not lovers holding hands in the moonlight, it’s more like you-give-me-what-I-want-I-will-give-you-what-you-need-type. 

P.S. And nobody else has to know.

Good Girl Gone Bad

Sara contemplates the situation she put herself in and yet goes along with it… for she feels so strongly this is what she needs to do…

Well, if that was a test, I guess I passed. With flying colors, I might add… So flying, I did not know I had them in me. Who is this person coming out? Strangely enough, I have always suspected of her existence and have longed to meet her… Sara the Slut… ok, not quite… belonging to one guy only. He sees that in me, that’s why he is able to evoke it so easily. As odd as it all is, it is also very natural in a way. We both get what we need out of it and stay cool. I get the practice, he gets my purity and innocence. We sealed the deal and now we just need to play the game. The only problem is that I can’t stop thinking about him… There is something magnetic in this connection. It makes no sense whatsoever, because I am pretty enough to get a regular boyfriend and have a normal relationship. But what do I do? Dive head first in the riskiest of waters for the excitement of it. The unpredictability is what attracts me. Typical good girl falling for a bad boy scenario… I guess, it’s actually more than predictable. Yet I cannot deny it and reason myself out of it, so might as well go with it. When is he going to text me again? In the morning he acted so normal, like nothing ever happened. We took a shower together at one point in the middle of the night, which was awkward and normal at the same time. Slowly cracking my shy shell, so She can come out. The sexual me, covered up with layers and layers of shame passed down from generation to generation. I remember when I was little I used to sit with my legs spread wide open and my mom and grandma would scold me for it. “It’s not lady-like, that’s not what girls do!” At first I would do it and laugh, but then they got serious about it. Seeds of shame for being a sexual being successfully planted. Now there are like thick weeds inside of me and I am trying to go deeper and find out for myself what is true and what is not. Why is sexuality such a taboo in most cultures? 

Initiation: Done…

Sara’s love life keeps getting more and more interesting… so far out of her comfort zone and strangely enough, she likes it…

Wow… as if our first meeting was not I-will-shake-you-out-of-your-comfort-zone enough… I feel like this man has an agenda and I am his current guinea pig/plaything… Last evening/night was my initiation into being his official mistress, I guess. One of many, most probably. Mistresses and nights, both. And the bad part is that I don’t care…

Sultry, Sexy and Sensual

Sara tried to analyze what draws her so to Damian and decides to put her good girl reputation the line… it’s the thrill and the forbidden that excite her…

Just like the Moon, is our dark side the one that nobody ever sees? I think what I did was to agree to divulge mine to Damian. The scary part is that I am not familiar with it. It will be like opening Pandora’s box… who knows what is going to come out? Why do I trust him to share myself with him like that? I’ve only known him for a few hours, yet the pull towards him is so strong… Now I cannot stop thinking about him. What is worse is that he has a girlfriend, he implied, but they are in a sort of an open relationship. I must have gone totally insane. Why am I letting a man I just met, who obviously is BIG trouble, control my mind like that? Is it because my dark side likes danger and wants to come out and play? Or did I manifest him when I watched “Nine and a Half Weeks” and thought it would be exciting to experience something like that? I am really good at manifesting things. I guess I can wait and see what happens. I’ve never sexted before. He wants me to share my fantasies with him. It’s somewhat awkward and excitingly liberating. Putting my good girl reputation on the line. I feel like I am so gullible sometimes. Yet, my gut feeling rarely lies. Something tells me to go along with this and see what happens. Remember, don’t fall in love. I can do that. He rides a motorcycle. What am I getting myself into?