Slippery Slope

Solange tries to figure out what pushed her into being unfaithful to her husband… She keeps craving intimacy and wonders if it can ever be possible in a relationship with another…


When I was little, my friends and I hung a puppy on a sunflower in the field … it was from a homeless dog litter, she used to roam around the neighborhood. We concluded that this particular puppy was the biggest one, and he was preventing the others from nursing, so we naturally took care of it… How can children be so cruel? I guess we were curious about death and we believed this was the right thing to do. I haven’t told anyone about this, it makes me so ashamed. I stood there with the other kids and we watched the poor puppy suffocate …  One of my friends said that it did not actually die, he went back to check on it and it was gone. Who knows… Another time, when I was a little older, the boys from the neighborhood threw a cat off a tall building – her eye came bulging out, blood gushing from her mouth, and despite all of this she was still alive. When I saw her on the ground, I was crying and screaming, trying to stop them from further abusing her. I wondered how they could be such monsters, completely forgetting what I had been a part of some years ago.

Express and Expand

In a moment of honesty, Solange admits to herself the truth she has been trying to deny…

I think I subconsciously manifested this confusing situation, driven by my deep need and desire to be seen… My marriage has turned into a sterile container that does not allow me to express the fullness of who I am anymore. Ugh… the truth is so heavy to write.

Inner Turmoil

Solange is trying to figure herself out… so many questions…

Fuck this! Why can’t I be like normal people? Are there normal people at all? Is everybody living a double life, secretly enacting a different reality in their minds? Why couldn’t James and I just stop there, but we had to go further? How come we didn’t get caught? Shouldn’t we be punished for that? Seems like exactly the opposite – in some mysterious way we were spared. Everything happened so fast, that I am still not quite sure what exactly transpired. Luckily, Steve does not seem to have a clue at all. Maybe just like I do, he is living a double life as well. It’s all so very fragile. Here we are, we have been married for 4 years, together for 6, we have the house, the cars, the nice jobs, the friends, and it’s all by the book. Until I suddenly switch on some unknown slut mode within me and I could have ruined it all in a matter of seconds. Trust is so easily destroyed. Our whole partnership is based on a promise. How can we expect that we will keep it forever? I am not sure what to think about all this anymore. How many of the happy couples I see are truly in love? Do we even know what love is? Are we just in lust and when that fades away we become slaves to comfort, numb to the ability to connect deeper with the other?

Playing With Fire

When desire clouds reason and Solange and James find themselves closer than they should be…

If that was not a wake up call today, I don’t know what is! We came so close… to each other and to getting caught! I must have gone completely insane! Am I so love-drunk? Is this love or lust gone overboard? The other night only intensified things between us. Today at work we messaged back and forth non stop, our conversation took a very intimate turn. Beyond flirting, beyond just kissing, more like I-crave-to-explore-your-body direction.

Desire

Solange wants to explore her sexuality, yet there is the tiny handicap that she wants to do it with a married man… Will the guilt prevail or the desire?


I get up, I brush my teeth, I kiss Steve Good Morning, we make breakfast, we get dressed, we go to work, I chat with my colleagues, accomplish tasks, eat my lunch, laugh, stay focused, check the Google doc, I have conversations with James, I get super excited when he is online too and I can see him typing, we explore relationships together and try to make sense of it all, I go home, Steve cooks dinner, I make a salad, he replies to e-mails, I do the dishes, we sit on the couch and watch a show on Netflix, sometimes we go out for dinner, sometimes we have people over, a lot less than sometimes we make love, and all the time the thought of James is on the back of my mind.

What Makes People Have Affairs?

If placing conditions created conditional love, is it that dropping all mind-made rules leads to deep acceptance and real love? Even if it is in the form of an affair? Solange ponders…

What if I manifested this? What if my subconscious secretly wanted to experience a passionate affair, like in the movies? I have such an insatiable curiosity, I always want to know the why and the how behind things. Why do the people who seem to be very happy and content in their marriage end up having a double life and an affair on the side? Am I secretly worried that Steve might be seeing another woman and that’s why he is so emotionally withdrawn? Or have I been craving deep intimacy for so long that this desire took shape in the face of another man? I have to get to the core of this, to understand, so I can make peace with it and let it go.

Closer

Is it possible to love two men at the same time? Why do we feel close to some people the instant we meet them? Why do men and women cheat? How can you contain a feeling and where does it come from? Solange wants to know…

It’s all so bizarre… Steve got tickets from work to some Great Gatsby themed fancy party, and he suggested we invite James and his wife Lisa to come with us. I just about died, I wonder if he suspects anything. I don’t think so, he simply took a liking to them. It’s so ironic, just thinking about it makes me nervous. How can we be so cold-blooded and cool about the whole thing? I have never imagined myself in a situation like this. I see it in movies, but people who cheat are usually very unhappy with their partner or bored in their marriage. This is not my case. Or is it? I think I am pretty happy, I just wish Steve and I would spend more time together and would have better intimacy. James and I have been talking online, he is looking for ideas of what he can do to get his wife interested in making love. The problem is that when we discuss topics like this, we inevitably tend to cross the friendship line, no matter how hard we are trying not to. Why are we so attracted to each other? He is a handsome man, but this desire doesn’t have to do much with the way he looks. It’s energetic and electrifying, magnetizing and making me wet. Why don’t I feel like that towards my husband? Does he even notice me anymore? Sometimes I think I have turned into a pretty object that accompanies him by his side at events. How many other people have affairs? I am so naive, I’ve never seriously considered that before. But being in this situation, it’s making me question it all. Like the world as I used to know it has crumbled apart. If I, the epitome of a good girl, have gone bad, who else is living this kind of shady double life-stuff? Everybody? Most people? A few? We wear so many masks. Are people ever themselves?

Connecting…

Solange is perplexed by the nature of human connections, the disintegration of her good girl image, and the intense desire she feels for James… so many questions in her mind…

I am a mess. Everything is a mess. My life is a sham. I officially cheated on my husband and kissed another man very passionately and the worst part about it is that I loved it and I want to do it again. I cannot stop thinking about James, that moment in the car, the way we connect. Why are Steve and I so disconnected? We seem to be operating like a well-oiled machine, yet these is so much space between us. Sometimes I wonder if I even know him. He hardly ever talks about his feelings and desires. He gets up early, immediately starts talking on the phone and replying to emails, then we have a quick breakfast together while he’s still on the phone most of the time, off to work he goes after a quick kiss, and I don’t see him until later in the evening. Dinner conversation revolves around the people/things we have encountered during the day, then some more emails, we watch a show maybe, and off to bed. When we have people over the attention is on them, and very rarely it’s just the two of us together. I guess that is not his priority, and all I want is to spend some time with just him. After all, that’s why I married him. However, I feel selfish to ask for that, so I simply imply. When we go out, he prefers that there is another couple/person with us  – he is so much more livelier then. I remember when he loved to cook for me and take me out… am I being like a sulky kid? Is this why I am kissing another guy?

It’s In His Kiss

To do or not to do and what to do when you do what you should not do? Solange does the unthinkable…

No matter what I am doing, in the back of my mind I am thinking about James. It’s insane, like I am some teenager. He just seems to get me, there is an unspoken understanding between the two of us and an energy that is hard to explain. No words are needed, we both sense it so strongly. Yet, it’s so wrong on so many levels. They came over for dinner and his wife is such an amazing person. Steve and her clicked together right away, I am hoping they did not notice anything weird between James and I. We both seem like such perfect couples, yet I keep wondering what it would be like to kiss another woman’s husband. Wasn’t there a movie like that? Are we simply bored in our marriages? James admitted that his wife is not very much into sex.

Same Wavelength

Solange is rather puzzled by the electric sparks flying between her and James… they are obviously sexually attracted to each other, yet both are married… the familiar comfortable feeling she feels around him confuses her…

I still get this nervous electric feeling around James at work. It’s almost like we are very delicately flirting with each other – subtly, yet sensually. He can sense parts of me that most people don’t pick up on, almost like the two of us connect on some invisible wavelength. The way he looks at my body when I am sitting down or standing up, the smile and spark in his eyes, the words and small inflections he is using in his sentences – all registers within me. We are having fun with this, but we’d better be careful. He has a wife, I have a husband. I’ve never cheated on anyone, nor have I ever felt tempted to. All of this is quite a new thing. What is weird is that seldom do I get sexually attracted to someone. If I can imagine kissing them, then it can go further, but no matter how nice and good looking some guys are, I don’t ever feel drawn to them. With James, however, I can totally imagine kissing him and this is so scary to even write. So glad I am keeping this journal online…