A Woman

Sylvia embraces her depth and trusts her own inner guidance, although it contradicts the rational mind. Her virginity out of the way opens up a newly discovered serene confidence, despite the fact she has no clue what follows next…

Go back to Eight

So why did I have to wait for 21 years to let a man inside of me? What is more, a man that I have a strange relationship with and I don’t want as a boyfriend? Because I am who I am, I guess. To me sex is something special, a union between a man and a woman. A spiritual act in a way. Maybe this is what distinguishes Tom from the rest of the men who have been interested in me. Can I even call them men? They are still boys. He believes in something greater than himself, that he calls God. I don’t understand religion, but I am curious about it. His actions, behavior and friendship somehow earned my trust. Facts about his life really don’t matter, it’s the vibes that I feel in his presence. Maybe this is what it feels like to be loved – to be fully accepted for who you are. This is making me emotional, I think I can cry. I wish I could love him in a more romantic kind of way. I see him more as my guardian angel, somebody who showed up to reflect my own flawed beauty to me. By accepting me as who I am and showing me my own worth, he truly made me believe in myself more. If I tell the story to somebody, they will surely think that I am mad. Nobody would expect that I would lose my virginity to a black guy. Is the myth true? I can see the questions coming. I hate sharing my personal life – it’s for me and me only. Yes, it is. It kind of hurt a little. Kama Sutra says that when it comes to their sexual organs, men and women have three different sizes which fit/or not accordingly. It totally makes sense. I am glad I got that book, although I felt a little ashamed reading it. I don’t think Tom and I are quite compatible in that respect. Why is sexuality such a taboo? People either pretend that it does not exist, or exemplify it in profane ways. I don’t ever want to sleep with a guy who will go and talk about it after that. Ewwww… Wow… I am not a virgin anymore. There is definitely a sense of liberation. Shame is also lingering.

Gone, Baby, Gone

When something strong inside of Sylvia says “yes”… and there was blood in both…

Go back to Seven

What happened feels like a dream that I somehow let unfold because I got tired of fighting it. It was beautiful, bizarre, incongruous and inexplicable. We went out again last night, same coffee shop, same drinks. The conversation felt like an interlude to something that I knew would happen but at the same time resisted. When we left and we were parting, he asked me to go with him. My first reaction was out of fear and I instinctively pulled away and said “no.” However, there was something in his eyes and the way he spoke, that made me stay. I decided to trust him and follow, this had to be done. 

Queen Of Her Castle

Sylvia analyzes the relationships she witnesses around her and decides she would rather wait than jump into something she does not feel drawn to at all. Tom holds her hands and she loves the strange intimacy developing between the two of them.

Go back to Six

Somehow now this topic is always in my head. I seriously think my virginity is blocking the progression of my life… If that’s gone, new doors will open. What new doors? I probably should focus on studying for my exam. Easier said than done, though. In the romantic novels making love is always such a special thing. Movies make it seem like there’s always a super strong magnetic attraction, that even when when both parties try to deny it, it somehow prevails and locks them in a steamy embrace. Looking around me though, it’s more about getting a girl drunk and getting in her pants. Or having a boyfriend and snatching up every opportunity to act like rabbits. Who am I to judge these people? They are free to do whatever they like, I just have no desire to be part of it. The guys who are attracted to me and who will potentially treat me nice, I find unkissable. Sometimes I seem very indignant, as if my standards are too high and nobody can match up to them. Is this wall I built around myself out of fear? The bridge over the moat of my castle is always up. Only with Tom I am lowering it a little bit at a time, yet I am keeping the whole thing under my control. What do I want in life? Right now I lean more toward a career than a family. It will be exciting to have a dynamic job that allows me to travel and see different places. Then I will fall madly in love, have a steamy romance and end up with the man of my dreams. Voila! Enough overthinking.

Pandora’s Box

Sylvia wonders where things with Tom are going, ponders what losing her virginity might be like, and is genuinely terrified, excited and mystified about her sexuality….

Go back to Five

This friendship is the strangest I have had by far. I get excited when he calls me and our conversations always go in new unexplored directions. He challenges all my preconceived ideas about the world, my beliefs and my understanding. I argue with him a lot, but we always laugh in the end. I feel like he wants to take this further, yet I am so not ready for that. What can “further’ possibly be? The “Taming of the Shrew” comes to mind. His hands always smell so good, I love the lotion he uses. When I try to get him to share details from his life with me, he never talks about it. He believes in God and sometimes mentions the Bible. It was fascinating to hear him explain the story of the Prodigal Son. I could not understand it at first and made him repeat it. I love learning new things, and everything with him is unpredictable and unusual. I am so predictable and usual, so maybe that’s why he showed up in my life. When I get a text from him, it makes me smile. Do I love him? No. But I like the way he sees me. He respects me and genuinely cares about me. It’s sweet. We are together and yet not. I notice other men, but most of them seem so boring. How can I tell, when I even don’t talk to them? Will I ever understand myself?

Deep Thoughts and Shallow Kisses

Sylvia enjoys probing into her feelings and emotions on her coffee dates with Tom. She wonders what her soul came here to do and realizes it’s definitely not making out with drunk guys at a hallway party…

Go back to Four

Tom and I have some strange relationship going on. I enjoy going out for coffee with him. Maybe because he is encouraging another version of me to emerge from underneath the surface?  We talk for hours, he keeps caressing my hands, always hints at things, and then I say I should go and we talk some more. The conversations are never about the weather or what happened today, rather they revolve around the feelings and the emotions that stir me. It is very interesting to explore myself through him. I feel as if I am struggling to become who I am meant to be, to find out all the answers. I get confused in the process, thinking I should do more, be more and get there faster. He, on the other hand, tells me that I am exactly where I need to be and there is nowhere in particular to get to. It’s hard for me to simply relax. When I defy him and contradict his suggestions, he simply laughs at me and shakes his head lovingly. I wish I knew what he does. He never tells me. Maybe so I can keep going out with him, haha 🙂 I know nothing about his personal life and honestly I don’t care to. My friends ask me about him, and I really could not tell them that much. They are so curious. He has different color skin than mine, yet I don’t see it like that. I guess I can see into him too. Something unusual binds us.

Life Matters Over Hot Chocolate

Sylvia is enjoying her friendship with Tom and their deep conversations. She wonders why she does not get easily attracted to men and decides she might have a short life…

Go back to Three

We went out for coffee again. I got hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. It was so good, I drank it very quickly. I love sweets. He ordered another one for me and then insisted on paying the bill. I stopped arguing and let him do it in the end. He is very insistent, and although I am too, I felt compelled to surrender in this case.  I don’t think I have ever gone out with anyone who showers that much attention on me. He looks in my eyes and listens to what I have to say with interest. Usually I am the one who listens attentively to other people’s problems and I try to offer advice. When I share some of my dilemmas with him, he just laughs and makes me see them from a different perspective. A much lighter approach, so remote from what I am used to. It feels really good, though. He likes to hold my hands and just caress them with his fingers. It is so bonding, yet not sexual or anything like that. I do not have a desire to kiss him, but I very much love sharing with him. As if he showed up in my life to help me figure out who I am and what I am supposed to do. He knows, but he won’t tell me. How can he know? He barely knows me. However, he just knows. And he also delights in watching me devour hot chocolate 😉

Familiar Feeling

Sylvia meets up with the guy and they seem to have a strange connection. He prompts her to look within herself and become more introspective. What is life truly about?

Go back to Two

I did. Message him. That guy. We met up for coffee and we had the strangest of conversations. He is unlike anyone else I’ve experienced before. Maybe because he is from another country. He somehow acts like he knows me –  as if he has been looking for me and he’s finally found me. He made me think about a lot of things. There were very few details mentioned, I can’t even say what we talked about. It was very unpredictable, our conversation. In the moment. I felt like I’ve known him before. We laughed a lot, after the first 5 minutes it was not uncomfortable or awkward at all. We said more with our eyes and in the silences between the words.  At first I kept asking myself “What are you doing?!” but then I let it go. It’s not like I am doing anything bad. He made me think about myself. As if I am special in some way. Maybe I have been looking for him too? He is totally not what I would have pictured, had I been seeking someone. Yet, he seems so familiar.

The Guy

Sylvia is in the flow, aligned and present. A strange encounter with an unfamiliar guy peaks her curiosity – does he know something about her she is unaware of

Go back to One

Today I am grateful for how things align… Lately when I think about something and I don’t worry, it just happens. Like this afternoon I was going to be late for my appointment with my friend, because the bus was stuck in traffic. I was a bit anxious, but then I realized there was nothing I could do, so I relaxed. I thought to myself, maybe she is going to be late as well and she wouldn’t have to wait that long for me. And that was exactly how it happened! Both of us were running behind and nobody had to wait for anyone! So strange… Some people worry a lot about everything. I eat cake and chocolate all the time without any concern about my weight. It stays the same. The less I stress about things, the more they work out. It’s alchemy, maybe? I love that book.

Attitude of Gratitude?

Meet Sylvia. She decides to start a gratitude journal, and it’s all quite new…

Dear Diary,

This does not feel right. At all. Why do people write diaries? What if somebody finds them and reads them? Then all your secrets are out. I liked this article about the man who started writing a gratitude journal and his life transformed. The more he noticed all the minute details each day that made him smile, the more they multiplied. I think this is what I am going to do with this notebook. The whole concept of a diary is kind of foreign to me, no offence 😉 How about today?

I am grateful that…

  • the bus came on time and there was a seat that opened up for me
  • lectures weren’t as boring
  • I got a delicious chocolate bar for lunch (who needs burgers?!)
  • my friends and I get along so good
  • the fall leaves look so beautiful in the park
  • I gave some money to the old man playing accordion on the street, and he smiled at me wholeheartedly
  • the sunshine