As One

Sophia knows that she is not supposed to want what she does, yet her heart prevails and her dream comes true…

I swear, when I want something intensely, no matter how wild and impossible it might be, it happens. How is never my business, everything aligns to bring me what I wished for. As if the Universe conspired to give me and Dylan some more alone time together. If this is wrong, why does it feel like everything is working for and not against us? Ok, not everything. He is moving away very very soon. And we are still entangled with other people. And we still don’t have a future together. But we share the present and inhabit it like no other, and this is what I’ve needed the most. To be here now with the man that I love. These moments with him count for eternity – so rich, poignant, full of passion, understanding, kindness and respect. We must be old souls who communicate with no words. When he touches me my whole body shivers. His fingers down my back, caressing gently, while I disappear into the vastness of space and the warmth of his embrace… 

Dazed and Confused

Sophia is rather confused and wonders if she brought this upon herself out of boredom or desire for freedom…

Sometimes I have this crazy feeling that the experiences in my life come about, because I read a book, see a film, watch a play and it moves me so intensely that I set in motion a desire to recreate the feelings of the characters. As if the world is my stage and whenever I get too comfortable or bored with a certain role, I am ready to expand into another one. However, the expansion is always preceded by a contraction and both can be quite uncomfortable. The transition as a whole leaves me feeling neither here, nor there – dying to an old me and mourning that, while simultaneously going through the birthing pains of who I am becoming. All of this is always accompanied by intense feelings and emotions – hopelessness, loss, great confusion, shame and guilt intermingle with moments of sheer joy, clarity, peace and presence. 

Whatever Lola Wants

Sophia dwells on the concept of freedom and what makes her feel live. Then she acts on it.

Am I truly living? I feel like I have been trapped in a cage… gilded one, yet with bars. I haven’t done anything spontaneous lately, except kissing Dylan that is. I don’t want to know every step of the way and make plans for the future. Has my life been outlined? I want to color outside the lines and not care about the rules. This is what makes me feel alive. Like going on a trip and not knowing what you’ll encounter. The beauty of being lost and discovering new things. Seeing the familiar with fresh eyes. Passion. Adventure. Love. Freedom.

We think we are free, but if you refuse to celebrate a certain holiday people look at you as if you are crazy. Ham or turkey for Christmas are mere options, not freedom. In a very subtle psychological way we are all slaves to the matrix. I want out. To hell with all the rules. Maybe I should just quit everything and jump on a train, destination unknown. I need to feel… all of it, the contrasts, the immense pleasure and the acute pain. I have to do it before I become utterly numb like everyone else. Why do we wait for TV shows or celebrities to tell us how to be and live? Can’t we invent our own way following our own inner desires without seeking approval from the outside? Is the pack mentality still going strong inside of us, so much so that we would kill our individuality just to be a part of the herd? I know that this is what attracts me the most in Dylan – his authenticity. He is unapologetically himself and some people find that disturbing. A rebel without a cause. I want him. My honey is flowing…

The Shadow

Sophia’s deep soul yearning will not let go of her. Something about Dylan keeps calling her and it is too strong to ignore, making her question her whole carefully constructed reality…

I get up, do yoga, have breakfast, go to work, eat lunch, come home, make dinner, talk with my finacé, we watch a show together, we snuggle, we fall asleep and the thought of Dylan and our kiss stays with me. Every gesture, every look, every word of his imprinted in my mind and replaying in loops. Daydreaming is becoming my normal state of mind, reality a version of life in which my body moves automatically. He is making me seriously reconsider my existence and the meaning of it. When I get married everything will become even more predictable than now and this probability terrifies me. My finacé is an amazing, kind-hearted, gentle man however I don’t think he is willing to go deeper into himself and explore what is there. The shadow is what we all fear, all the unpleasant thoughts and feelings we harbor. Some people reject it completely, but we are comprised of all things good and bad and we cannot ignore it. What we act on by choice makes us into who we are. Is this what I am doing right now? Exploring my shadow?

Since Feeling Is First

Sophia is deep in the feeling of love for Dylan, realizing they are two lonely individuals of the same kind who somehow got brought together. This is precious, this is rare…

Dylan is a dreamer, like me, and this modern world has no room for our kind. It has marginalized us to the periphery, but this is where we actually belong, because we came here to push the boundaries and expand. We are two lone wolves, connected by a mutual longing for the sublime. The feeling beyond words that cannot be described, simply sensed and revered. In a culture skating on the surface, primarily concerned with physical pleasures and instant gratification, we are two rare deep divers seeking repose in one another from a lifetime of utter aloneness. Always surrounded by people who lack the capability of establishing a deeper bond, afraid of what they will find if they probe within. Hence, solitary in the deep end we encountered each other either by chance or by a call of the soul. I do not want to suppress this intense connection, however wrong it might seem. Finally feeling alive, held, understood. That kiss last night at the gallery was so much more… a bond, remembered. The way I love him is so pure and true, I have no expectations or demands, no judgement or criticism, no conditions. We meet in the present in truth and this is all that matters. 

Two Hearts

Sophia and Dylan share some moments of intimacy together in a gallery full of people and then alone together at last…


We held a reception at the gallery last night, a very cool abstract photography show. As always, I invited my friends and to my surprise Dylan showed up. I was so happy to see him, there were so many people yet I could sense his presence around me. We chatted only for some brief moments, but the way he looked at me and smiled told me everything I needed to know. I felt that just like me he was trying to figure this whole thing out, the attraction between us too strong to ignore. There is something in the timbre of his voice that causes a wave of excitement to wash over me and makes my whole body tingle. It happens every single time and now that I was relaxed after a glass of wine, I could feel it even more. I kept mingling with people, playing hostess, smiling and enjoying small talk, but it was the outer “me” doing all that on autopilot, while the innermost “me” lingered in his orbit, mesmerized. It wasn’t until almost closing time when our eyes met again. My fiancé and our group of friends were headed to the bar next door, and I told them I would do a quick clean up, lock the gallery and join them shortly. Dylan asked matter of factly if I needed some help, and I innocently replied that he could stick around if he really wanted to. Everyone was eager to get another drink, so they headed out without further hesitation.

How Do I Know You?

Sophia is still trying to make sense of the intense connection her and Dylan are experiencing… could it be that they have shared past lives together? The pull towards him so intense…

No word from him for a few days and the silence is killing me. I think he is just being respectable, considering that I am going to get married to another man soon. Come to find out, he actually has a girlfriend. Not that serious, but still. If I could be free of any consequences I’d totally walk out on my life right now to just spend some time alone with him. Maybe I am getting cold feet with the whole big day thing… or maybe the fire burning inside of me that this man rekindled it getting too hot. The depth of our communion won’t let go of me and keeps me wanting more. I can’t even explain it with words, I have been journaling more than before in attempts to figure it out. As if he satisfies a craving for something elusive I have always had, but I did not know what it was.

These Feelings Won’t Go Away

Sophia meets Dylan at a party and the feelings keep flooding her… she still tries to analyze with her rational mind what is happening exactly and why now…

Words are so relative… we have agreed upon certain combinations of letters and sounds to signify a particular thing, but everyone holds a slightly different concept of the thing itself. Especially when it comes to more abstract notions, such as Love, Freedom, Truth, Joy, Sorrow, Suffering… They are so deep, nearly unfathomable, and everyone is at various levels of knowing them from experience. What for one person is a major cause of suffering, for another can barely scratch the surface of the deep well of hardship they have previously endured. Same is true for Love. The more I live and encounter it, the more I see how many levels and spiral loops there are to it. The Greeks had a neat classification  – platonic love for your friends, erotic love for your lover, empathy for all things alive and difine love that knows no conditions. I wonder where love for somebody who feels like you falls in these categories.

If I Lay Here

Sophia questions the predictable nature of her reality and ponders what making love to Dylan would be like…

He texted me: “Are you going to lie with me?” Why would he ask me such a thing when he clearly knows that I am engaged? This man is brazen… and I am drawn to him even more for that. The truth is that I am not upset with his question but with the instinctual answer that is coming out of me… “Yes, I’d love to lie next to you and simply feel you.” We agreed it is a bad idea, yet we can’t help this strange attraction that brings us together like magnets. I tried to figure out what it is about him that draws me in so much… he is free. I miss that. As if in the past couple of years I have created my own trap of obligations, shoulds, musts, and have to-s, the job, the man, the wedding on the way. All of a sudden my life has turned into a predictable spectacle for everyone else’s delight but my own. Like posting pictures on social media… we dress up and go to the party just so we can take the photo, share it and hope for the likes. Is everything we do nowadays for show and where is the substance? By the time we get back home from a night out we are too tired to enjoy anything else but watch a show and go to bed. Making love has turned into a series of mechanical motions – we know what brings the other pleasure/gives us quick gratification and we proceed to reach the end. Have I been living in a reality shaped by outside rules and media images?

Going Slightly Mad

Sophia feels obsessed by the thought of Dylan… something primal binds them on a soul level and she wants to find out what and why…

This is madness… I cannot kick him out of my head even if I tried… Our conversation keeps replaying in my mind… We only talked about the essentials, things that nobody else seems willing to discuss. I still don’t know what he does, his personal history, his daily routine or any of that… However, somehow I feel we share the same dream. Of Truth, of Freedom, of Love. He reminded me that about myself. Who I am deep down inside. I miss her. Where has she been all this time? Building a career, getting engaged, being lost in her very active social life, marketing other people’s art, being there for anyone else but herself. All Dylan wanted to know was me… and I feel like I have forgotten who I truly am. Somehow he reflects that truth so clearly to me, without even saying a word. His presence unlocked a vault inside me, where I have stashed all things too uncomfortable or too real. The feelings that cause unrest and apprehension, the ones you keep quiet about and pretend they don’t exist because others do not want to see them and don’t know how to handle them. Do I know how to handle them? Maybe all I have to do is to simply allow them to flow through me, like what I am feeling about him right now.