And So It Starts…

Sophia is happy, successful, engaged to me married, enjoying life to the fullest. However, there is a tiny little crack through which something unexpected comes in…

Why does this always have to happen? Just when my life seems perfectly in order and everything is running as smoothly as it possibly can, something unexpected comes out of nowhere and confuses the hell out of me… I can’t even think properly… Who is he and why did he show up in my life? How did we even meet? We went to this outdoor concert in the park last night, ran into some friends and he was with them. All of us decided to go out for a drink afterwards, at a wine bar nearby with a lovely patio. Somehow he ended up sitting next to me. Coincidence? I have no clue, but at one point during the evening, all eyes were on us. When the silence around the table became palpable, I moved my gaze away from his to realize that no one else was talking. Apparently him and I were so engaged in our lively conversation, that the rest of the world had ceased to exist for some moments. I felt slightly ashamed and embarrassed and I brushed it off with some nervous laughter.

Love Again

Stella realizes she tends to overanalyze things, so she commits to simply living for the sake of it. New experiences are not late to arrive…

I should stop overthinking and just be. However, it’s so fascinating to contemplate on the nature of life. Maybe I can do both – balance is always the key. Bring it on, Life! I am just going to hope for the best and see what happens. All is pretty sweet right now. It feels good to be journaling again, along with keeping up with my daily gratitude list. I love going to the Farmers’ Market and getting fresh fruit and veggies, and then making an impossibly huge salad. Everyone is so nice and smiley and the world is a beautiful place to be. Nothing particularly exciting has happened, but I am finding so much joy and appreciation in the little things – the Sun shining, a yummy smoothie, a nice chat with a friend, a lovely walk in the park, mastering a yoga pose I’ve been finding challenging, delighting in a good book, getting lost in the night sky and my daydreams.

The Wisdom Of Insecurity

Free and unbound, Stella ponders all the possibilities. The life she craves is different, something that has never been created before…


Maybe most people have a hard time when they get divorced, because their common dream gets shattered and they feel lost, alone and afraid. I trusted him completely and gave up all of me for us. I thought we desired the same things – to establish a business we could run remotely, acquire a small cozy home base and travel the world. Eight years later it was looking a lot more like the American dream instead – seemingly having it all, yet deeply unsatisfied within.

It’s In His Kiss

To do or not to do and what to do when you do what you should not do? Solange does the unthinkable…

No matter what I am doing, in the back of my mind I am thinking about James. It’s insane, like I am some teenager. He just seems to get me, there is an unspoken understanding between the two of us and an energy that is hard to explain. No words are needed, we both sense it so strongly. Yet, it’s so wrong on so many levels. They came over for dinner and his wife is such an amazing person. Steve and her clicked together right away, I am hoping they did not notice anything weird between James and I. We both seem like such perfect couples, yet I keep wondering what it would be like to kiss another woman’s husband. Wasn’t there a movie like that? Are we simply bored in our marriages? James admitted that his wife is not very much into sex.

Same Wavelength

Solange is rather puzzled by the electric sparks flying between her and James… they are obviously sexually attracted to each other, yet both are married… the familiar comfortable feeling she feels around him confuses her…

I still get this nervous electric feeling around James at work. It’s almost like we are very delicately flirting with each other – subtly, yet sensually. He can sense parts of me that most people don’t pick up on, almost like the two of us connect on some invisible wavelength. The way he looks at my body when I am sitting down or standing up, the smile and spark in his eyes, the words and small inflections he is using in his sentences – all registers within me. We are having fun with this, but we’d better be careful. He has a wife, I have a husband. I’ve never cheated on anyone, nor have I ever felt tempted to. All of this is quite a new thing. What is weird is that seldom do I get sexually attracted to someone. If I can imagine kissing them, then it can go further, but no matter how nice and good looking some guys are, I don’t ever feel drawn to them. With James, however, I can totally imagine kissing him and this is so scary to even write. So glad I am keeping this journal online…

Palms, Lips, Legs

Solange loves her new job and fantasizes of a more passionate intimate life. She meets James and sparks fly…

Our married life has turned into a predictable routine, so at least at work things are a little more interesting. I got assigned an ad campaign for a new lipstick. Tomorrow morning I am supposed to have a brainstorming meeting with a guy named James who I haven’t met yet. We’ve only exchanged a few messages on the work chat online, I like his sense of humor. I guess it’s good that I started this job, I needed the dynamic back in my life. I went out for lunch with some colleagues and they all talk about the same things – clothes, cosmetics, their children or husbands, where they want to go on vacation. I am not a girly girl at all, I’ve always dreaded this kind of gatherings. If, on the other hand, we dove into philosophy and psychology, what motivates people to do certain things and the patterns of their behavior I would have been all in. Why do I always have to be so deep and serious? I keep telling myself to loosen up, and I just can’t seem to be able to… Is this who I am, or is this a big giant major block preventing my true expression? Most of the people I know are not like me at all… 

New Horizons

Solange is happily married, getting ready to start a new job, confident yet nervous, satisfied yet discontent, ready for new adventures…

I feel so nervous and stressed out. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t do so well? Will we get along? They will probably judge me right away – how I look, how I speak, how I move. I hate this. It reminds me of how I dreaded the first day at school – so much pressure. I don’t need to get that worked up about it. It will probably pass just as quickly as the first day of school always did. Here I am, almost 30, happily married, confident and accepting of myself being ridiculous before starting a new job… Silly girl! Maybe I just need to let it all out. Everything is going to be ok. I am great at what I do, people always love my energy, my smile can melt an iceberg. I’ve got nothing to worry about. The sky is the limit, and tomorrow will be super exciting!

Higher

When two people in a relationship are moving at a different pace and one of them has learned all their lessons…

I feel that deep down inside Hugh is afraid to be fully seen because he thinks he is unlovable as he is. He is terrified to look at his wounded inner child and when I get closer he puts the guard high up and acts out. It’s exhausting to spend so much effort to love someone. I’ve known him for so long, I see his pain, but he pretends that it does not exist and he hides behind work, staying busy, saving others and drinking. All I want is to be close and hold his hand. All I end up doing is patching up surface scratches and never being allowed to address the deeper hurt.

Breaking Up to Come Together

Sandra realizes that from being focused on Hugh all the time, she has somewhat lost her identity in the process. She goes back in the past, recalling how their early break up…

Trying to remember who I was and to figure out who am I now. It seems that most of the time my focus is constantly on him, the things he does or does not do. So much so, that I forget about me. Trying to control others is futile. I should know by now that it does not work. Reaching within for my own peace of mind. Who was I when we met?

Dissatisfaction

Sandra reflects on her relationship with her husband, which seems to be drifting further from her ideal…

I need to act from the center of Love. Forgive. Take care. Be kind/caring. Don’t think negatively. Accept – the good and the bad. Happiness is inside of me. The more I know who am and what I want, the less other people and things upset me. 

What I want is a relationship between two equals – freedom, understanding, harmony, love, sharing. Books, creativity, intellect, spirituality, theatre, music, psychology, philosophy, sensuality, transcending into a different dimension. Presence. Here and Now.